Friday, 16 November 2012, 7.21am. Show Day 2012 - and a “Royal” Show Day, with Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall in attendance.
My surgery is done - almost a week ago, and I feel I am recovering well.
Last night, it occurred to me that I should come to these pages again, to restore that conscious contact with God that has, at least in some part, been missing, since all this breast cancer emergency took hold. Because I was starting to wonder about the purpose of all this - why am I alive? Not just, why is this happening to me, because that is an unanswerable question, but, what is this all for? What is life all about? Is it just a matter of “being,” per se , or is there something more to it all? Looking for some raison d’etre in the middle of everything - and especially when motivation is so low, even non-existent, for doing stuff I have said I enjoyed doing. Did I really enjoy doing that stuff? Reading, writing, photography, walking, gardening, etc.? Or was it just stuff I did to keep me going, to give my self something to do?
This morning’s reading from Daniel 12:1-3 not really all that helpful, certainly not on the face of it. “ 1 ‘At that time Michael, the archangel who stands guard over your nation, will arise. Then there will be a time of anguish greater than any since nations first came into existence. But at that time every one of your people whose name is written in the book will be rescued. 2 Many of those whose bodies lie dead and buried will rise up, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting disgrace. 3 Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever. ...’” Foreshadowing the coming season of Advent, perhaps, becoming aware of the pain and suffering that exists in the world, on a whole variety of levels.
Am I being asked to do something about relieving some of that pain and suffering? Then I wonder, what could I do? As if I am basically unimportant in the overall scheme of things, with no place, without a job to do. And then I read something like http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-more-by-doing-less-removing-the-distraction-of-busyness/, which arrived in my mailbox just this morning! A sense, maybe, of running away from my self by being busy, by doing , rather than being , and wondering, now, if this breast cancer scare and surgery and follow-up treatment is meant to just somehow slow me down so that I can get more in touch with my self and explore further the relationships between, self, God and others - relationships that have often left me perplexed, even wanting more from them than I was getting.
And, in the middle of getting the hook wire inserted last Friday morning - using two ultrasounds and the mammogram machine as a final resort - these words came to mind - “God, Lover of my soul, body and mind,” which was all the prayer I really needed to say, at the time. Again, when the nuclear medicine technician was putting the radioactive material into my areola, preparatory to a sentinel node biopsy, those same words - “God, Lover of my soul, body and mind.” Words from God to create calm within, words which then gradually morphed into, “Lord, Lover of my body, mind and soul,” which seems to echo, very clearly the Gospel for Sunday 4 November, the Sunday before, when I led the worship service at Durham Street - “ 28 One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” 29 Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. 30 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ 31 The second is equally important: ‘ Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” [ Mark 12:28-31 (NLT) Talking about that love, that unconditional love, with a group of women from the choir, and hearing responses from other groups in the congregation - and, now, more fully realising that this love is a “whole-body” thing, and encompasses every part of my being - physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, mental, sexual - every part of me.
Yes, there are parts of me that are wilful and egocentric, but there is no part of me, none at all, that does not still come within the compass and embrace of the love of God for me - my Lover! Simple words, with so much wisdom and profundity in them. 7.52am.
